For a self-proclaimed music enthusiast, I sure have a strong tendency to listen to the same ten songs over and over again. I think it has a lot to do with my fondness towards familiarity. Nonetheless, sometimes I get frustrated knowing that there is plenty of good music out there that I have yet to discover. Hence, I've been trying to squeeze in some time to step out of my little "music bubble". Guess what? I found out that there are other artists that can make me feel things the way Taylor Swift and Phoebe Bridgers do. Shocker.

I'm delighted to recommend these five wonderful artists that should be in your playlist starting today:

These past few years have witnessed an impressive amount of young talent bringing colours to the music industry. Billie Marten is another young force to be reckoned with. In fact, I think she has got to be one of today's most polished songwriters. Her lyrical skills are incredibly refined. Even if the prominent jazz/indie folk influence across her repertoire may not necessarily be your cup of tea, you cannot dismiss the maturity and wisdom that she ever so effortlessly exudes in her lyrics. 

Currently, I am in love with her second full-length album Feeding Seahorses by Hand, particularly its second track titled Mice. In one interview, she mentioned that the song was written when she was feeling "empty and lacking a lot of purpose" (sounds a lot like yours truly). With lines brimming with self-awareness like "I can doubt myself and then I'll doubt you" and "To me, I am my only vice", it's impossible to not resonate with her music.

Billie Marten's music doesn't demand for your attention; rather, it's much like that one friend who is more than happy to accompany you as you study/work, do chores or simply lie in your bed hearing the pitter-patter of the rain outside. Even in Flora Fauna (her third full album) in which she experimented with productions that mark a departure from the mostly acoustic-led sound in the two preceding albums, there's still beautiful subtlety underneath. While that is true, when you do pay attention to her, her music can be the reason to shut down everything else that's going on around you for just so you can indulge in an introspective experience she can bring you with her profound lyricism.

I truly have to thank Spotify from the deepest of my heart for this one. When Joy Oladokun's song heaven from here first came up when I put my "Discover Weekly" playlist on shuffle, I remember thinking, "Wow, THIS is the artist that we should be paying attention to." I am not exactly the most erudite in terms of vocal abilities, but as a listener, I can say with great confidence that she has so much versatility in her voice. This versatility is translated into the range of genres that she has explored and excelled in: pop, folk, R&B, ballad...you name it.

One of the things I love about Oladokun's music is its rawness. When I listened to i see america (a track off her 2020 full album in defense of my own happiness) for the first time, I found myself hanging on to each and every word recounting her story as a woman of colour. That is how you know the artist is not just a great songwriter, but also an astounding storyteller. Also, Poison off her first album Carry is, dare I say, one of the best songs I have stumbled upon this year. The way she writes and sings about the detrimental pleasure gained from a perilous, doomed relationship - calling it "a dagger draped in jewelry" - is everything I believe a ballad should be.

When I read her update, I was brought back to my primary school years. The girl and I barely talked to each other. The only time we would interact would be pre-Annual Sports Day and the D-day itself. We were in the same sports house and regular participants of the 100-metre sprint race. During every tryout, she and I would always compete against each other. The girl would consistently come in first place, and I second. No matter how hard I ran.

I'm not the happiest that I've been. I know that I'm not doing what I really want to do. Nothing is going according to my "perfect" post-graduation plan. My day starts at 7.20 a.m, I babysit until 5 p.m. (which involves a lot of chasing after my nephew who crawls and climbs onto furniture like rent is due. Seriously, do infants/toddlers ever get tired?), do chores in between, spend time with my family after dinner, and I only have around two hours at night for myself before I get too tired to even watch one anime episode. I'm devastatingly anxious about the future. I'm most certainly not getting married. I feel like the world has moved on while I am stagnant. Everyone else has already achieved something- quick on their feet, while I am nowhere closer to where I want to be. Everything feels like a race. I'm terrified of falling behind. I'm scared of not being able to take the perfect next step that will help me move forward and catch up with the others.

That explains my spiraling into anger, discontent, anxiety- and everything in between. 

I don't talk to many people nowadays; I do have a couple of friends that I stay in touch with. Talking to them has helped me to gradually change my perception on the whole "figuring things out" stuff. Nobody ever has things really, really figured out. If people say that you will know absolutely everything about who you are and what you want to do after four years of degree, I'll tell you this: you know less about who you are and what you want to do after those years- and that's perfectly fine. If I have learnt anything these past few months, it's that the only perfect next step that exists is the one that the Almighty has planned for you.

If the perfect plan that He has planned for me for now is to devote myself to my family, watch my nephew grow into the beautiful boy that he is today, then I will embrace that. I believe in the concept of rizq (sustenance). What's meant for me will find its way to me in the most timely manner. What I can do now is commit to my present responsibilities, keep trying, keep praying, count my blessings, and see the beauty of the present.

"If you are grateful, I would certainly give you more." (14:7)

May we get not what we want, but what we deserve. 

It has been a pleasure with sporadic sprinkles of pain and sorrow to be with you.

When you came, I was eager to make you my year. My soul was full of enthusiasm and excitement to make the most of you. I even bought a planner - all determined to make you as organised as possible. I was also determined to make sure that when you came, every path that I was going to take would lead me to nothing but pure joy and happiness. 

But when you actually raised your curtains, reality dawned on me. It was definitely not going to be a smooth-running show. The audience wouldn't always laugh at my punchlines the way I imagined them to. The props wouldn't always be set in place and on time the way they were during rehearsals. I wouldn't be consistently in tune when I performed the musical numbers. 

Dear 2019, you have been one of the most memorable years - both in the "you've opened a number of doors for me" and the "you've kicked me in the ass" sense.

First, let's talk about how you've been an unforgiving ass-kicker.

You've challenged my emotions to heights and lengths that I had never imagined any year would. I experienced days when getting out of bed felt tiresome and all I wanted to do was sleep to shut the whole world out. I faced days when I had to walk on eggshells and making sure that everything I did was immaculate. I had nights when I became so well-acquainted to the sound of my own sobbing. Even worse, you left me with no options other than having to adjust to having a stranger as a roommate. That just meant when I cried, I had to do it silently. I had to stifle my sobs under my blanket so that I wouldn't wake her. Crying is painful; having to pretend that you're not is even more excruciating. But it's okay. I'm in a better place now.

And hell, you also had a lot of surprises in store for me. I had to rekindle relationships with people I had not met for years. I had to pretend that whatever incidents that took place five years ago were merely fabricated realities, forged out of spite, anger and frustration. I had to go back to places that I hadn't been to for so long. It was not easy. But it's okay. I did (and am doing) those for the people I love.

You've led me down roads where I had to encounter people who seemed to have zero knowledge of what common decency and respect are. Months after your arrival, 2019, I found myself at war with my self-esteem and confidence. I struggled with a negative body image. I became so hateful towards the numbers that I saw on the scale. I became hateful towards myself. When people said "you look fat" to me, I went home and reinforced that statement onto myself. When people held my arms and told me how big they looked, I went home and wished I looked differently. But it's okay. I've learned to be comfortable in my body now. It's one of the hardest journeys I've ever embarked on. I've encountered red lights, but red lights aren't forever.

It's unfair to disclose solely your punches, hits and curses. It's time to talk about how you've also given me remedy and blessings.

Months after your arrival, my family and I moved to a new home. When we moved here, it also meant we moved away from a toxic and suffocating living space - far from demeaning, back-stabbing, two-faced companies. It feels so much freer and happier here. After so long, we finally have a place we can really, genuinely call 'home'.

2019, you've also given me chances to change the way I perceive friendships. I used to feel like I was nothing but an option to my friends, so I was never really good at sustaining friendships. But this year, I have grown closer to my small circle. I can actually be myself! I don't have to uphold and carry the weight of that pretentious image of "having everything together" which had been imposed on me for years. Because I really don't. I'm just as messy and uncertain. And my friends are cool about it. At least I think they are. Oh God, I HOPE they are.

I'm doing fairly well in my studies. Being a TESL major has been....well, challenging, to say the least...but being surrounded by supportive people makes it a lot easier. I've also picked up a new instrument, so my three-piece dream collection is finally complete! And 2019, you've rekindled my love for writing poetry and short stories too. I stayed away from that kind of writing for quite a while, but this year, I've realised that I still have a soft spot for them. Who knows, maybe I'll write a novel one day. And by one day, perhaps...in 2020. Speaking of writing, I've penned some of my favourite lyrics I've ever written in my life. 2019, you've probably awakened the writer in me - the one that had fallen into a deep slumber I thought she would never bother to open her eyes again.

Dear 2019, you've also taught me about relationships. You've made me realise that goodness, I'm a bad communicator. I never say what I feel. And you've taught me to put down my guard and listen and not see every syllable as a battle cry. Even though you made me question a lot of things sometimes, you taught me to pause and reflect. Above all, you taught me to listen, to myself and to the other person.

I think one of the most important lessons that you've given me, 2019, is that I have to learn to say "it's okay" to myself. If I can give away forgiveness so relentlessly and incessantly to other people, I can surely do that to myself too.

So dear 2019, it's okay if you haven't been the best and the most amazing year. It's okay if you didn't treat me the way you treated other people. It's okay if I can't relate to their "this year, I'm the happiest I've ever been" posts. I'm still thankful for you. It doesn't mean I'm any less deserving of happiness. 

So long, 2019. Dear 2020, we'll do better.

My mother fell asleep in the living room tonight.

Usually I would just let her sleep until it's time to wake her up so that she could go to bed. She always has so much to do during the day, so I don't have the heart to disturb her peaceful sleep so soon. But tonight, I felt a bit selfish. I felt like I needed more time with her. I silently and quite foolishly cursed time for passing by so quickly that it was already 10 p.m, which means my mother would no doubt lose to drowsiness - no matter how tough of a fight she tries to put up. And so I went to her. My mother's not a heavy sleeper; the slightest movement and noise could easily wake her up. As expected, she immediately woke up when she felt me near. Instinctively - as if knowing exactly what I wanted - she made way for me and I lied down next to her.

I hugged her as she slowly fell into a slumber again. I closed my eyes and listened to her steady breathing. In that moment, I wasn't a 21-year-old student trying to get a degree in TESL, who's feeling anxious about entering third year and trying to be distracted by listening to music and watching Netflix. I wasn't a girl who's currently battling her inner demons who are ever so adamant in trying to convince her that she's not as strong, positive and happy as she claims to be. In that moment, I was just a daughter hugging her mother - hoping that to her mother, the embrace was as gentle and as loving as those countless hugs she always generously gives to her daughter. 

I don't really remember anything that happened before I was six years old. But that's okay. At least, this limited storage still allows me to recall that one important moment when I was six and God showed me a proof that my mum was indeed a hero. I was waiting for my parents to come pick me up from pre-school. Every one of my friends had gone home and I was the only one left. Then, a couple of older boys came and picked on me because I was much smaller and defenseless. I mean, I only had a yellow belt in Taekwondo at that time, so what could I possibly do? Before it could get any worse, my mum came and saved the day. 

When I was 14, I had to make visits to the hospital to see the orthopedic specialist because my knees were in pain. I had to make appointments for rehabilitation. In the process, I got made fun of because I was too young to experience that kind of pain. But my mother knew my struggles and how painful it was for me. She loyally accompanied me to every hospital visit and every rehab session. She never felt like her time and energy were wasted even though the blood test result came in and no one knew what was wrong with my knees.

When I was 17, I went to a public restroom alone. I'm the kind of person who would check whether there's water or not before proceeding with whatever business I have. Apparently, there was no water that day. So I went out of the cubicle. And I saw my mother outside, with a concerned look on her face. I asked her why she was there, and she said she saw a man coming into the restroom. If she wasn't quick enough, only God knows what could have happened.

I can list down endless examples of how my mum not only saved me from harm that other people could inflict on me, but also harm that I could inflict on myself.

When I was in my final year of high school and preparing for the big examination, she was there for me to make sure that I didn't feel alone. At 8 p.m every single evening like clockwork before I began my revision session, she would make me a glass of iced Nescafe. I would study in the living room and she would accompany me until I was done at 11 p.m. When I came home crying after I sat for that devilishly difficult Additional Mathematics papers and thought I wouldn't be able to get a good grade, she comforted me. She even got me some chicken rice. Honestly, how much better could it get from there?

While I was stressing out over one of the assignments I had to do during my third semester, she stayed up until 1 a.m (which is a rare occurrence) and stayed online on Whatsapp to check up on me. She must have been sleepy and tired and her day would start in five hours; but she was risking it all just to show that she believed in me - even when I didn't believe in myself.

No matter how much I have grown, my mother would always have my back. She still makes iced Nescafe for me as if my life depended on it. Every single time I worry about not doing well in a certain semester, she would comfort me and lift my worries off my shoulders. She's brilliant at being the best of my support system. But then again, she's good at a lot of things. Perhaps the only thing she's not good at is telling me  exactly how much salt I should add to my cooking. 

I hope to be as good, loving, kind and gentle as she has always been to me.

My mother fell asleep in the living room tonight. I lied down next to her, listened to her steady breathing and prayed to God that I would never run out of chances to listen to it.

I find the utmost delight in discovering new music, sharing it with other people and receiving suggestions from others. I think I might have annoyed quite a few people when I gave them links to songs that I came across on Spotify. God bless those souls for being patient with me.

Since I genuinely enjoy recommending songs, I've decided to write a monthly post that solely focuses on music recommendations - songs that I've been listening to on repeat each month. I really hope that you'll stumble upon one or two tracks that might make it to your playlists. That being said, here are some of my picks for this month:

For me, this is a standout track from our favourite bedroom pop artist's debut album Immunity. I love how calming and 'soft' (pun intended) the song is - with the repeated guitar riffs, chill drum beats and Clairo's almost 'sleepy' and soothing mezzo-soprano voice. Personally, this would totally be the song I would opt for as the background song of a video for my other half.

3) Science - Allie X

From Allie X'x Super Sunset EP

Have you ever listened to a song and a clear image or scenery is conjured up in your mind? This song does it for me. I always imagine myself to be standing in the middle of a city lit up with bright neon lights around. I specifically visualize neon blue, purple and yellow whenever I listen to this song. Science talks about how everything feels so natural when you're with someone that you have such high compatibility with. I find it interesting how the message of this song is so contradictory to its production. The song talks about the naturalness of a relationship, but there's so much going on in the production and I can say that that there's a slight heaviness in the way the track is produced. I think this kind of duality is an element that really elevates a record.

4. Volcanic Love - The Aces
From The Aces' When My Heart Felt Volcanic

The first time I came across this song, I just freaked out over how good it is. I wanted to immediately go out for a car ride and blast the heck out of this song. I always imagine this song to be played at the beginning of early 2000's coming-of-age movies. Anyway, we love a budding-romance summer anthem by an all-female band.

5. Talia - King Princess
From King Princess' Make My Bed EP

If anyone ever asked me to describe my music preferences, I would show them this song. Yes, it's another track by King Princess. Yes, I am in love with her. If you're following me on Twitter, you might have seen my thirst tweets for her debut full-length album and my obsession with this particular track. Let me tell you something about this song: it's so good that you don't know whether to bop or cry your heart out to it. Since I don't want to complicate things, I just decided to do both simultaneously. This song captures the theme of denial really well. You try to convince yourself that it's okay even though the relationship has ended and it has taken so much from you. But once the substance hits you, what you really feel about the whole situation and what you really desire just come washing over you like a gigantic wave. When Mikaela (King Princess' real name) sings "Talia, I hope you're happy anyway", I can actually feel my heart breaking. And I also feel like I need to teach Talia a lesson too (whoever she is), but we don't condone violence in this house.

6. Gleam - MAMAMOO

Give me one girl group that can make a commercial song sound like it should be a comeback song. You can't. This song has everything you need for a good comeback: good vocals, good lyrics, amazing rap flow, amazing production, fun choreography and an aesthetically-pleasing video. In other words, MAMAMOO does not disappoint.

7. Sugarplum Elegy - NIKI

If you're a fan of Joji, then you might have heard of Niki. She's an Indonesian R&B singer signed under the same label as Joji and she writes as well produces her own songs, which makes her a very promising artist. Sugarplum Elegy is a mellow R&B track with Christmassy vibes, in which Niki talks about how her relationship with her partner is hanging by a thread and they're both "tiptoeing around the innocent truth" by pretending that everything's fine. This song  kind of makes me want to experience winter nights just so I could sit by the fireplace and listen to it. Definitely not possible in Malaysia. I find the ending of the song impactful when Niki sings, "I'm so proud I got to love you once", which does not really happen in breakup songs nowadays. That particular line sounds almost like a point of realization that you did not really lose anything in the relationship. That person might have made you feel unneeded, but you had big enough of a heart to love them so unconditionally. So really, it's not your loss. 

8. My Bad - Khalid
From Khalid's Free Spirit

I know Khalid is almost everyone's favourite R&B artist nowadays and he truly does deserve that amount of love and respect. My Bad is one of my favourite tracks on his album Free Spirit. I don't have a lot to say about this song, but if I see any kinds of disrespect towards it, then you and I are going to have several discussions.

9. Tomorrow Tomorrow - Babygirl

This song is totally meant and written for a worrier like me. Being a type six (of the Enneagram), I tend to overthink and create the worst-case scenarios in my head. Worrying too much about the future has always been one of my biggest problems. Occasionally, I tend to neglect what's happening in the present because I'm too caught up in making and overthinking plans for what's ahead. Hence, this song is a nice, warm and soothing reminder for all of us to save our energy today for today and tomorrow's energy for tomorrow. It's not always a good thing to be one step ahead if it means you're risking the present. Just like one of the lines in the song, "I'll think about tomorrow, tomorrow."

10. Death by a Thousand Cuts - Taylor Swift
From Taylor Swift's Lover

Initially, I wanted to put another song as the last recommendation but ever since the release of Taylor Swift's Lover, Death by a Thousand Cuts is one of the songs that I haven't been able to get out of my head. I love that album to death and there are so many good songs on the record, but I've been listening to this one the most. The fact that it was inspired by the Netflix film Someone Great just makes it even more beautiful and sad for me. I can really see Jenny (the main character) and her dynamics in the lyrics. Taylor did a wonderful job at capturing the character's struggles with the aftermaths of a years-long relationship ending. If you haven't watched the film, please do so! I think it's one of the most realistic romantic comedy films. It doesn't sugarcoat the pain of a breakup and there isn't a fairytale happy ending, either. Rest assured, you'll be going on a rollercoaster ride of emotions.

I hope you'll enjoy these songs as much as I do. I'll come back with another ten recommendations next month! It would be lovely if you could also drop some song recommendations in the comment box below. There's no harm in sharing and appreciating art together.

Thank you for reading and have a beautiful day. 💘