Life truly does unfold in mysterious, sometimes astonishing ways.

I didn't expect I would be here typing away for this neglected blog again. My last update was a little over a year ago. I was battling with self-worth issues then- associating my "usefulness" as a human being to a job offer. In hindsight, I don't blame myself for feeling that way, nor do I think it was silly of me to be in that state. I think if I hadn't felt that, I wouldn't be where I am now.

So where am I now?

I've moved out from my family's home to a place where I know absolutely no one. It takes me a couple of minutes to get to my workplace, which is one of the biggest blessings I'm eternally thankful for. I cook now- and surprisingly not occasionally. I call my mum to ask about ingredients. I send her pictures of seafood at the supermarket to ask her whether they are fresh or not. I watch Fleabag, Normal People or Community before going to bed at 10.30 p.m. on weekdays (wow, who would have thought I'd have a normal sleep schedule?). I keep track of my expenses- recording each and every one of them in my trusty Notes app. I do feel homesick every now and then, but I'm adapting better than expected from someone who has only been away from home for university.

And hey, I'm turning 25 tomorrow. In my head, it's like this big milestone. Half a decade away from turning 30. You're not exactly a young adult anymore, but you're not exactly a full-fledged adult either. But heck, you are expected to have accomplished a lot of things by now. It doesn't help that a popular factoid claims that 25 is the age where your frontal lobe is fully developed. So whatever nonsense I have going on in my life now should be packed into a box, sealed tightly, and discarded somewhere far away, right?

Well, we'll see about that.

You actually don't think about having ice cream when encountering a (minor) inconvenience as often. What you do is you talk to Ummi (my mum) and take a good nap afterwards. So I think you've gone for a healthier option. But when you do feel like having some ice cream, you only want the Gula Apung one.

Good news: you still are!

You have also watered down the "harsh critic" inside you. You still try to do your best - of course - you still absolutely, completely abhor the idea of going into something unprepared or underprepared. But you also know when you have done what you could given the circumstances- time, resources, etc. If a lesson goes slightly off-track, you don't really beat yourself up anymore. At times, you still do. But I think you've developed some kind of alarm at the back of your head, and it goes off whenever you find yourself dwelling on what could've or should've happened. I hope we keep that little alarm on whenever we start feeling self-punitive.

Well, you certainly were all for self-peace, I'll give you that. You thought that by forgiving everyone - including those who don't deserve it - is a way for you to achieve that. Here's the thing: it's not necessary, especially when those people do not earn that forgiveness. As mentioned by the one and only Taylor Swift, "You don't have to forgive, and you don't have to forget. You can move on without any of those happening."

It's great that you learnt that at the age of 20, but frankly speaking, we're still on a long journey towards internalizing it. You're still anxious about what could go wrong. You still have a knack for visualizing the worst case scenarios. Most times, you like to imagine the worst thing that could happen because you think that if you have thought about it first, then it would somehow be blocked out or prevented from happening at all.

But being scared of "what ifs" isn't entirely a bad thing. In fact, it can be used as a strength. Feeling that way means you always want to be prepared. However, you should know when to step back, take a deep breath, trust the process, and trust Him. Hold on to the concept of tawakkul.

As you grew older, I think you've become quite afraid of asking. You're scared of asking questions because they may sound trivial, and you don't want to take up someone's time just to entertain those questions. I noticed that you also have a tendency to start your questions by apologizing- and sometimes, I'm not sure if you're apologizing for taking up the other person's time, or you're apologizing for not knowing everything. If it's the latter, I think it's because you're used to being the 'point of reference' of some sort, that when the role is reversed, you start to look down on your capabilities. If it's the latter, I truly hope we can fix it. You love learning, don't you? Asking is learning. There will be people who will make you feel bad for asking questions that you genuinely seek answers for, but that only tells you about their character, not yours.

That's all! Although there were 20 lessons, I just selected a few of them because I feel like I don't have much to say in response to the others. I have to admit: the 20-year-old me had some wisdom in her, but she was noticeably influenced by whatever concept or mentality that was common then. One can even say that she was in an echo chamber and needed years of growing up to nudge her into having a stand of her own.

So if the 30-year-old me somehow remembers about this blog and magically decides that it's the wisest decision to visit this post after five years, I think it would be interesting for her to respond to it as well. Maybe the 30-year-old me can answer these questions too: am I still in the same workplace? Am I married? Do I still love the songs that I love today? Are the people I love still around?

Oh, it's terrifying to think too far ahead. Let's do our best for now. After all, it's the only timeline that we have some control over.

Welcome, March. Bismillah.