If I'm being honest, I've always found "self-love" a difficult topic to address. I used to think that preaching about it would make me a hypocrite since finding things that I love about myself was a scrimmage that I couldn't seem to escape from. That's why I truly admire those who can apply that concept so well in their lives. To me, they are almost indestructible. You try to bring them down but they'll rise above it. Deep down, I wanted to be like them. And even deeper down, I was angry at myself that while everybody else seemed so at peace with themselves, I was still in the realm of self-loath.

After I got home for Eidul Fitr and the semester break, I met a lot of people that I hadn't met for years. While my greetings for them would come in the form of polite handshakes, hugs and hello's, their greetings for me were "you look fatter", "why did you put on so much weight?", "look at these chubby arms", etc. Some of them would go so far as to grab hold of my arms and waist to confirm the physical changes that they saw.

I'm not sure if where I live in, that is the socially accepted way of greeting someone you haven't met for a long time. But I just stood still and pretended to be unperturbed. I guess my respect for these people was larger than the respect I had for my feelings. Perhaps some might say that I should have asserted myself and made it crystal clear that I was uncomfortable. But sadly, sometimes assertiveness - despite how necessary it is in such circumstances - would be easily mistaken as sheer impertinence.

It's actually terrifying how big of an impact words can carry. Due to that kind of situation occurring over and over again (I can safely say everytime I meet someone, they would always have something negative to say about my body), consequently I found myself joining those critics as they made comments about my figure. I started to become a highly meticulous critic myself, who refused to let any faults go unnoticed. From solely condemning the size of my body as I looked at my own reflection, I began to abhor my acne-prone skin. I even started to treat my personality traits as a defect in my system. Things like "why am I not as funny as her?", "why am I not more outgoing?" and "I'm not fun to be around" became a mantra that I would repeat time and time again - the way I would put my favourite songs on repeat.

Maybe some people would find this statement disappointing, offensive or just overall bad. Trust me, I don't find it any less disappointing than you would. But I think for one moment, I was almost....angry at God.

That self-loathing and self-downgrading went on for a few months. I'm not exactly the most optimistic person out there, but I can say that I used to be someone who would try to fend off pessimism from overwhelming me. But there and then, ironically, I found myself hitting rock bottom.

At one point after drowning myself in self-hatred, I realised that I was becoming tired of giving those people the authority to govern and navigate my thoughts and how I should view my own body, personality and self-worth. I was also getting drained from the excessive self-deprecating humour that I claim to be my so-called coping mechanism. I was feeding my mind and soul with severely judgemental words. I knew I had to put a stop to it. I have enough people criticising me, so why am I pouring fire on propane? Why should I become an even stricter, a more merciless critic?

If those people are not kind to me, why can't I be kind to myself?

Now back to the beginning of this post. Am I now on the same level as those people who are at peace with who they really are? Absolutely no - and I shouldn't be angry about it. Like everybody else says: self-love is a process - a journey. Making slow progress doesn't mean I'm going nowhere. Even experiencing relapses doesn't indicate failure. Everybody's journey is different. The Earth takes 365 days to make one complete orbit around the Sun; Venus takes 224 days while Jupiter takes 12 years. But each planet makes up a beautiful, breath-taking solar system that's worthy of admiration. 

We are all worthy of admiration - only if we allow ourselves to be so.

Be kind to your body, mind and soul. Have a great week ahead, everyone. 💖