If I thought I knew what exhaustion really means, then I might have to take a step back and re-evaluate. There has been a lot to do these past couple of weeks. I've even developed a more intense love for afternoon naps. Not that it wasn't intense in the first place. 

Anyway, I wasn't really sure what to write about for this post. When I started this blog, I made a promise to myself to post weekly, at the very least, to ensure consistency. I went back and forth from wanting to write an album review to wanting to write a little something on music recommendations. However, there was this one tiny thought that kept on bugging me at the back of my mind - it was almost like pleading me to write a post about it (it's a dramatic description, I know). Here's the thought: life has indeed been quite strange for me.

My sister got married recently. That explains all the hustle and bustle that's been going on. It still feels foreign to me, especially when my sister's the only sibling I have. We have a six-year age gap, which makes it totally understandable if we have very differing point of views towards a lot of things. But she's always been my rock. She gave me my name and taught me how to read when I was five and it took her no more than five hours or so to get me to achieve fluency. She was 11 at that time. When I was frightened to the guts from my very first "sighting" of the moon time, she was the one who taught me how to deal with it. I guess I can say that apart from being my sister, she's one of my very first teachers as well. She's always mistaken as the younger sister and she takes pride in that. I'm always mistaken as the older sister and I'm ready to fight anyone who dares to say so. People say we have the spitting image of each other, but we're far from alike.

And now she's a married woman. Weeks before her wedding, while driving around town, she kept on telling me how worried and scared she was. Not because her colleagues were constantly throwing around R-rated marriage jokes; but it was more towards her worrying about the added responsibilities she would have to bear as a wife, a daughter and a daughter-in-law. I simply told her it would all be okay. I knew from the deepest part of my heart that she would take on all three roles wonderfully. But upon hearing the lafaz akad nikah during the solemnization, a selfish part of me wished that my sister and I were back at the moment when we were driving around town, listening to a whole lot of Taylor Swift, BTS and Hindi songs. When I heard the akad, I could feel how time didn't just flow; it cascaded and God, at that moment I was ready to trade my world for one more Sushi date with my not-yet-married sister. 

Life hasn't exactly been strange because my sister got married to the man she loves. Life has been strange because I never expected that I would feel that way. I didn't think I would be that selfish. But then again, life surprises us in many ways.

I suppose I felt even more overwhelmed when I realised that a greater sense of responsibility has been placed on my shoulders. I never thought that I would feel that way, either. I mean, there is that negative stigma surrounding the youngest child of the family, claiming that we're spoiled and unperturbed, after all. My parents only have me and my sister. As my sister now has more parties to consider other than my parents, I'm now the only child who only has them to think of - at least for now. Hours after the kenduri (a feast for Malay weddings), amidst my lassitude and strong urge to head to bed and call it a day, I recalled how throughout the kenduri, my parents' friends kept on telling me, "You're next." Typically I would have giggled in glee and anticipation. But that night, I just felt fear and sadness creeping in in lieu of the glee and anticipation, especially when I thought of how I would be the last child that my parents would have to 'let go' one day. 

It's not just the post-wedding feelings that made life seem a bit odd for me. This past week has been full of other surprises as well. I happened to reconcile with a few people that I hadn't met for at least six years. The next thing I knew, I was back in my hometown that I hadn't been to in forever. I crossed paths with people that I didn't expect to meet again. I never thought that it would all occur within the span of one week. I was puzzled. I was confused. I wanted to view all of it as mere happenstance, but happenstance doesn't hold that much power to leave you thinking and breaking down at 1 a.m. For someone whose mental state isn't at its very best, it is a lot to take in. 

Hence, I was brought to the realisation that you can never really completely understand God's works. Mystery will always be part and parcel of them. Time will surely unfold the silver linings behind every event and it's okay if you don't have absolute comprehension of what's happening just yet. I mean, I honestly don't really understand why I still have a difficult time adjusting to the fact that my sister is married and the greater sense of the responsibility that I now have towards my parents. And I certainly do not understand the reconciliation that took place a few days ago. But desperately trying to search for the silver linings in every corner isn't going to help, either. The safest way to deal with everything that's going on now is to embrace, accept and believe in the Almighty's plans. 

You've probably had enough of the sentimental tone of the entire post, so here's a picture of me and my sister on the day of her wedding. 

I'll see you in the next post. Take care and have a marvellous day. ❤