Image by Free-Photos from Pixabay
I was on Facebook the other day. It's a known fact that Facebook is the place where you can find out that an old acquaintance whom you have lost contact with is now a mother of two; the guy that people used to underestimate in school has built a flourishing career in South Korea. Someone said Facebook and Linkedin give off the same energy- and somehow I think it makes a lot of sense.
While I was scrolling down my own feed, I came across an update from someone who went to the same primary school as I did. We are the same age: 23 years old. She was announcing that she was getting married in a few days.
When I read her update, I was brought back to my primary school years. The girl and I barely talked to each other. The only time we would interact would be pre-Annual Sports Day and the D-day itself. We were in the same sports house and regular participants of the 100-metre sprint race. During every tryout, she and I would always compete against each other. The girl would consistently come in first place, and I second. No matter how hard I ran.
I couldn't help but think that her winning every race against me was foreshadowing where we are both at in life at the moment.
I'm not the happiest that I've been. I know that I'm not doing what I really want to do. Nothing is going according to my "perfect" post-graduation plan. My day starts at 7.20 a.m, I babysit until 5 p.m. (which involves a lot of chasing after my nephew who crawls and climbs onto furniture like rent is due. Seriously, do infants/toddlers ever get tired?), do chores in between, spend time with my family after dinner, and I only have around two hours at night for myself before I get too tired to even watch one anime episode. I'm devastatingly anxious about the future. I'm most certainly not getting married. I feel like the world has moved on while I am stagnant. Everyone else has already achieved something- quick on their feet, while I am nowhere closer to where I want to be. Everything feels like a race. I'm terrified of falling behind. I'm scared of not being able to take the perfect next step that will help me move forward and catch up with the others.
But what is the perfect next step, really?
Is it something that you will be proud to upload on your social media about? Is it something that will make you feel less terrible about yourself? Is it something that will make you feel a sense of accomplishment? Does the perfect next step necessarily have to be something that you want?
I feel like we have all been conditioned to view life after graduation like a one-dimensional design: you get your degree, find a job (preferably in the government sector, or "that's not a real job"), get underpaid, stay underpaid and pay bills for the rest of your life. I guess that is what we think the "perfect next step" should be. It's only natural that we feel lost and underachieving when we diverge from this setup. Even though you're not a deadbeat sitting around all day and waiting for opportunities to fall onto your lap, if you're not following the aforementioned path, you're basically not achieving anything.
That explains my spiraling into anger, discontent, anxiety- and everything in between.
I don't talk to many people nowadays; I do have a couple of friends that I stay in touch with. Talking to them has helped me to gradually change my perception on the whole "figuring things out" stuff. Nobody ever has things really, really figured out. If people say that you will know absolutely everything about who you are and what you want to do after four years of degree, I'll tell you this: you know less about who you are and what you want to do after those years- and that's perfectly fine. If I have learnt anything these past few months, it's that the only perfect next step that exists is the one that the Almighty has planned for you.
If the perfect plan that He has planned for me for now is to devote myself to my family, watch my nephew grow into the beautiful boy that he is today, then I will embrace that. I believe in the concept of rizq (sustenance). What's meant for me will find its way to me in the most timely manner. What I can do now is commit to my present responsibilities, keep trying, keep praying, count my blessings, and see the beauty of the present.
"If you are grateful, I would certainly give you more." (14:7)
May we get not what we want, but what we deserve.
